Heaven is Enough - A Story of Acceptance - Nia M Wardani | A Logbook of Life Discoveries

Being a researcher, having many publications, being respected by the scientific community, frequently traveling abroad to conduct research. That was a dream that I had dreamed of in my heart, I imagined in my head. Imagine how amazing it is to find something new, move from one country to another, write a journal, review, and write popular science books just like Janna Levin in her book How the Universe Got Its Spots, discuss scientific matters with other researchers, making outreach programs for the community. Ooh ... it feels like floating above the clouds.

But my heart has been docked to the earth, My Friend. To a man who has taken responsibility of me, in the world and the hereafter. Don't get me wrong, he never forbade me to become a researcher. I was allowed to be a lecturer, too. But I understood that all the decisions I take would have consequences, which turned out I was unable to sacrifice what was my goal to marry him, only for a temporary pleasure.

A Childhood Dream

My dream of becoming an astrophysicist, according to the history told by my father, has emerged since I was in elementary school. I would sit for a long time reading the encyclopedia of the universe in my neighbor's house, who has a private mini library. I would borrow one book every day to take home, and read it, and I would return it the next day, and bring home another book. I still remember, when I used to sit with my father, under the starry sky, guessing which one is planet, which one is star, and which one was just a passing plane. I waited outside at some nights in our home in the village, hoping to be able to see the International Space Station passing overhead.

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And this dream became even greater when I was accepted into a university in Turkey, where I had the opportunity to study astrophysics and plasma physics directly to the experts. Then I decided to be an astrophysical plasma physicist.

But fate says something else, My Friend.

Successfully entered KTH (Sweden) but failed to pass the scholarship selection, became the main candidate in Tohoku (Japan) and had to accept the reality of being economically affected by the tsunami disaster in Sendai. And finally,

"You teach here, and you can pursue master degree in Undip ..."

An offer, with cool facilities, high salary, and comfortable working conditions, which cannot be denied, especially by my parents.

And so finally, I became a high school teacher.

For two years, I enjoyed various processes that I hoped to get me out of this school. No, I don't make trouble at school or leave my duties. But during that time I tried to be accepted at LAPAN, the National Aeronautics and Space Institute. In general, a person who registers to be a civil servant at my school will be considered automatically resigning. But you know, My Friend, what did the Chairman say when I applied for permission to register for becoming civil servant?

"Hopefully you won't work at LAPAN, because we need you here."

And he let me go to the test.

Ooh, great.

At that time, I was sure I would get away because I had already gotten second place in the previous selection. And it turns out...

I couldn't find my name on the acceptance announcement sheet.

Maybe at that time God was granting the prayers of those who would be persecuted by my decision.

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A Turning Point

And it came to a point, when I was so desperate, and spent my resting time crying under the pillow. Then I ask myself,

"What do you really want, Nia?"

"I want to die and go to heaven. That's all. Enough."

"And how do you get into it?"

"If a woman prays her five (daily prayers), fast her (Ramadaan), guards her chastity and obeys her husband, it will be said to her:enter Paradise any gate you wish "

(Narrated by Ahmad and Ibn Hibban) 

There it is! I'm sure I can work on the first three conditions. But the last condition, means I have to have a husband first so that I can obey him. Since then, friend, I prayed to God and tried to upgrade myself in order to become a good wife. And when our intentions are honest, God grants our intentions. Alhamdulillah, so fast God brings a good husband in front of me.

But, My Friend, let me tell you something. Obeying a husband is not as easy as I imagined. I always obey rules. For me it's just easy, always using a helmet or seat belt when I ride, even though the traveling distance is only 500 meters. But obeying my husband .... this is different. Because now I demand myself to be a wife who can take care of the household well, and also be a good teacher. Too heavy, My Friend. Being a researcher is no longer in my bucket list. The only thing I want is to resign and stay at home.

Various conditions require me to keep working at the school. Especially parents and in-laws who do not accept that being ("just") a housewife is a noble role. Don't ask, how many times have these tears spilled because of this burden.

Acceptance

And then, I got to know the Community of Professional Mothers and Mrs. Septi.

Mrs. Septi struggled for 8 years in the beginning of her marriage to overcome the challenges of her new role as a housewife, and initiated the Professional Mother Institute. Surely you know the story better than me. But from there, I learned, if Mrs. Septi had to struggle to accept her new role as a mother in the domestic realm and try to be a professional mother, this is where I, too, must struggle to accept my obligations as a wife who works in the public realm ... !

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Six years ago since I first entered a classroom and introduced myself as a teacher. Three years ago, since I established myself to serve the captain of my life with all my heart. It takes a process to accept ... Not infrequently tinged with wet headscarves that turn into a tear cloth. But in the end, I have to go back to the original intention.

"What do you really want?"

"Heaven. That's it, enough."